


Hackable Hearts

by gala_apples



Category: Criminal Minds, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Hacking, Multi, Open Relationships, Worship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-02
Updated: 2013-01-02
Packaged: 2017-11-23 08:06:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/619897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gala_apples/pseuds/gala_apples
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Garcia tries to hack the unhackable to help her team with the bureaucrat that's crashed their case. Tony's team encourages him to investigate the woman that's obviously intriguing him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hackable Hearts

Tony sits in the spinny chair and sighs as though he’s only attending under great duress. It’s mostly true, if Clint and Natasha can be counted as duress. “Why do I have to be at this briefing? Thor isn’t.”

“Thor is in Asgard.”

Tony’s well aware Thor’s gone. They’ve been missing his presence in bed for over a week now. No one can pin a person to a bed the way Thor can. Thor is entirely perfect in that regard.

“If I’d known all I had to do was go to another planet...” Though he’d leave a slice of JARVIS on the Helicarrier to pass on the good stuff. He doesn’t like being bored, but he hates ignorance even more.

Coulson doesn’t even bother to roll his eyes. “You’re here to be informed Director Fury will be very upset if any of you are found in Minnesota.”

“Sir?”

“There have been reports of bodies stabbed with a spear.” Tony pinches his brow. This is the last fucking thing they need. “It’s unlikely to be Loki. But the authorities are already on it. It hardly needs to be said that they could be in over their heads. I am to liaise, inconspicuously.” Over the sound of five superheroes protesting, Coulson goes on. “Inconspicuously is the key. The world knows your faces.”

It’s a fair point, but if anything, Clint and Steve get louder. Tony decides to let them implement the _talk Coulson out of chasing down possible-Loki_ plan, while he comes up with a _distract them with sex while Coulson is gone_ subroutine.

*

Penelope finishes debriefing them with a little flourish. She’s happy with her slideshow, if not the material shown. It’s her first running on this type of open source software, and it worked well. She might not be as slick as Hardison or Willow or Rodney could be, but to be fair, she exists in real life. She can’t nudge a particularly hard program with magic, or Ancient genes.

She sits as they start tossing out preliminary ideas. The body count is high in only a week, so it’s obviously a spree killer. Organised because he’s bringing his own weapon. He doesn’t appear to have a physical type, but that only pushes the task of finding a correlation between bodies onto her.

Hotch says ‘wheels up in thirty’. The case has been deemed crazy enough to need them. Good thing. Penelope doesn’t like the idea of some guy walking around sticking a scythe through random people. It rubs against her past goth tendencies uncomfortably.

As everyone heads off to grab their go-bags, Hotch orders her to come along. That’s been happening more often lately. Penelope has a theory that whenever Hotch notices Spencer and Derek being overly friendly he feels uncomfortable and remembers her flirting and uses her as a preventative measure. It’s shitty, but she’ll come anyway. She’s been worse things than a beard. And does she really even count as a beard when Derek and Spencer refuse to hide behind her? Maybe she’s a mustache. A soulpatch, even.

*

As obvious as the answer may seem, Tony can’t distract them with an orgy. Maybe six months ago the sheer novelty of it would have worked, but an orgy is a daily routine now. No, his best bet to get them out of their heads is some good old fashioned body worship. Hone in on each of his lovers favourite spots, make them feel like kings and queens.

He goes to Bruce first. The man is sitting on a stool pretending to research, but Tony can see right through that. He drops to his hands and knees and gets low enough that he can lick Bruce’s heel.

It took the five of them a long time to get comfortable enough to not dress practically inside. Well, degrees of practical, for Thor. His issues were more related to appearing the way a son in line to the throne should, not the ability to flee at a moment’s notice. Tony understood hypervigilance, he’s had his own problems with it. Still, he nearly applauded the first time Natasha wore a skirt because she wanted to, not for a role. Getting Bruce’s shoes off was one of the hardest battles. Possibly in part because Bruce likes foot stuff and keeping them inclosed was another way -a sexual way- to stay isolated.

Tony doesn’t have a foot kink. What he has is a bit of a submissive streak. What he has is the urge to make Bruce -and the rest, in turn- feel so good he falls off his stool. He’ll do anything they need or want, and his limits are far higher than sucking on Bruce’s toes.

*

Penelope has never seen the team more frustrated. Over the years they’ve had a lot of cases touch personal buttons, because how can they not? But this isn’t rage, or upset. This is sheer blue screen of death, keyboard facesmash, OMG FML whyyyyy. And it’s all of them at once, which means it can’t be a case thing, because JJ’s buttons are not Rossi’s buttons. No, it’s got to be plain bureaucracy.

She sidles up to Spencer. “Liaison that bad?”

Reid sighs. “At this point I’m not even sure it’s hyperbole to say I want to stab myself in the face.”

Penelope stares. She’s pretty sure she’s never heard Spencer Reid talk like that. Ever.

It doesn’t take her long to come to her conclusion. With her boys -and her whole team, beyond that- in so much pain, Penelope does what she has to. She steals Agent Coulson’s phone and starts to crack it. Once she figures out his problem, she’ll know better how to help.

*

“Sir. Someone is trying to hack Agent Coulson’s phone.”

“What?” he asks. Then, realising his voice may be inaudible with the crown of Steve’s cock in his throat, Tony slides his head up. “What?”

“She’s doing a rather thorough job.”

Tony hesitates. Orgasms or someone smart enough to crack his phone, this is an equidistant piles of hay situation if there ever was one. Finally Bruce pats his neck and pulls out as Clint rolls his eyes from his place beside Natasha’s thigh. “Go check. We know you need to.”

Tony hurries to the nearest tablet, not even caring that he’s flopping around everywhere. A speed read says she’s not going to crack it, but her method is sound. Very sound. He relates as much to the party still going on on the bed, trying to keep the feelings out of his voice. It’s pretty clear he fails.

“Oh for fucksakes. Go fly to Minnesota already. Bring her home if she seems especially nice.”

Tony won’t. For his part, the outside the core relationship trysts don’t happen in their home, spacious as it is. They easily could, it’s entirely likely he could sneak in a football team without anyone except JARVIS noticing, but he won’t. Avengers tower is their space.

*

“I can hide from Coulson here, right?”

Penelope waves a hand in an absent hello. Whoever the local guy is, she doesn’t blame him. Coulson seems competent in just about everything he does, from protecting his personal information to annoying people. If someone wants to duck his gaze, she’s not going to stop them. She hears a seat being taken, and then the barely there but so recognisable sounds of someone typing on a tablet. Penelope ignores the presence for a few minutes. She only looks up when the feeling that she’s being stared at becomes overwhelming. Creepers don’t get to stay.

Poised to make a sharp remark, her mouth shutters closed. It can be said that she’s not a great judge of character. She dated a serial killer once, and there was another in her support group. But Tony Stark is beyond question. Penelope has worshipped him since he was ‘only’ Tony Stark, and becoming Ironman hardly made the awe dissipate.

“I’ve loved you since my parents died.” Shit, goth culture and a near reverence of Stark Industries was what got her through.

Tony flashes that classic cocky smile at her. “You know, once you date two assassins, a demigod, a man so displaced everything he’s ever loved has kicked the bucket or been remodeled, and what amounts to a third world crisis relief doctor, that’s neither the most depressing come on, nor the weirdest non-sequitur I’ve heard. And for the record, I’ve loved you for the twenty minutes it took me to get here. You nearly hacked Stark tech. I mean, who _does_ that? Why have I heard of Hammer, but not you? Metaphorically, of course. I know you’re Penelope Garcia, infogirl liaison for the BAU.”

While ninety eight percent of her basks in the warming glow of hearing the words ‘I love you’ out of Tony freakin’ Stark’s mouth, a small, detail oriented bit of her is thrown and needs to correct him. “I’m not a liaison. Agent Coulson is a liaison.”

“No. Not really. They think your serial killer might be Loki, you know, reindeer games that brought the Chitauri home to play. Coulson will kill me if he knows you know, hence the hiding. But I figured you deserved the info. I mean, you nearly hacked _Stark tech_.”

Penelope can’t remember the last time it was this important to play it cool while freaking out on the inside. Even when she had JJ’s job for a bit, she knew deep down that Hotch would accept a meltdown. The same cannot be said for the coolest man on the planet. Whatever she does, she needs to not say something ridiculous. Even if Tony Stark is fucking complimenting her.

*

“Wait. Did you say dating? You’ve dated them all in the last year? I thought Pepper?”

Okay, he brought that inquiry upon himself. The question is does Tony tell her what she wants to know? For almost anyone else he wouldn’t even consider it. Most of his life is public, but what’s private is very much so. But telling Garcia the truth seems like a fair way to worship an info junkie without necessarily bringing sex into it. “What Pepper and I have is very different from what we have on the team. It works. It’s not cheating. It’s kind of like that show, Sister Wives- oh, and did you know Coulson loves horrible reality tv? Except without the creepy religion, and significantly less women.”

Garcia rolls her eyes. “Of course I’ve heard of poly. I am a woman of the internet. Besides, it works for Derek and Spencer. They’re primary partners. I just didn’t think the power couple of North America had one. It wasn’t exactly mentioned in any of the news articles about you. Um. Not that I follow your life or anything. Because that would be even more creepy than saying I love you and of course I just reminded you that I said that and I’m just gonna stop now.”

Tony smiles at the babble. He’s missed a good babble. It’s been awhile since he’s seen Darcy, and all of the Avengers are too composed for that sort of thing.“Well, Perez Hilton hasn’t guessed, so I’m safe for now.”

“Huh. That’s cool. So Loki might be in on this? Thor’s shitty little brother?”

“It’s a possibility. He’s stabbed others in the organisation Coulson belongs to the same way.” That it was Coulson, and that he didn’t die are pieces of information that aren’t his to share. He’d really prefer to get out of this situation untazed.

“But Derek, and-” her hand goes over her mouth, and Tony realised he’s crammed his foot in his mouth.

“If Coulson decides it probably is Loki, I’ll be back in my official capacity, and so will the rest of us. Assume it’s not, until you know it is. And if it is, the case will be out of your friends’ hands, don’t worry.”

She nods. “You know how you can distract me from worrying? Tell me about your operating systems.”

Tony laughs, and mentally sorts through what’s safe to tell her. For some reason he really wants to give her this. She somehow deserves this, the way that Natasha deserves to come and come and come, and Bruce deserves his feet getting licked.


End file.
